Ask A Unicorn Scholar

hey, i got a question for the unicorn scholar.
WHAT IS ON A UNICORN’S WISHLIST FOR XMAS AND BIRTHDAYS?

- Joan of Arc

Dear Joan of Arc:

1) Energy efficient lighting.

2) A van.

3) VHS editing equipment.

4) Interns.

5) Money.

Love,

The Unicorn Scholar

unicorns are actually made of paper

There has been a new scientific discovery involving the materials of which unicorns are made. Formerly thought to be made of glitter, rainbow juice, and a fleshy substance somewhat resembling flesh (i.e. sponges), unicorns have for centuries been hiding the truth from  us. And the truth of it is, unicorns are made of paper.
This, Strawberry Jam, is possibly why it is so easy to make a baby unicorn. A request is sent to God, God gets his origami instruction manual, and BAMMO! He folds a jillion folds and, after almost a nanosecond, creates the perfect unicorn from pure, extra virgin vanilla paper. Yes, he does add glitter, and yes, occasionally the origami unicorn is infused with rainbow juice, but scientists were in fact able to disprove the theory of sponges making up the majority of the unicorn’s bodily content.

Need Goddy instructions for making your very own–though inanimate, as you are not God (if this surprises you, please see the nearest greengrocer)–unicorn? Come hither: Origami Unicorn Instruction Manual from God

Follow the link within the link to the video instructions. I haven’t watched it (blasphemy), but I’m sure it’s fantastic.

Gay unicorns from planet unicorn

unicorn documentary

I LOVE THIS. Holy pow. I might as well have made this. See the fat unicorns? I DRAW FAT UNICORNS.
Love. Lovelovelove. Watch it now and be happy.

unicorns out in the real world

Unicorns out in the real world puke televisions and slushies. Check it out.

Serenading Unicorn

If you love unicorns, and you love puppets, and you love singing puppets, and you love singing unicorns, and you love singing unicorn puppets, then this is the video for you. It broke my heart with its sweet melodies.

Lundgren roasts a unicorn

This is glorious. Please watch it and dance with happiness.

Unicorn vs. Narwhal

It’s weird, but it’s weird. Found it on youtube. Decided it was weird.



I think you’ll enjoy this weirdness.

Pink Fluffy Unicorns dancing on rainbows

Has anyone seen this? Has anyone already POSTED this? I don’t care. It deserves to be posted again, if you ask me, and I am very wise.

Piiink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Raaaiiiinbowsss

Yeah. Click that link, OR, if you wanna be REAL fancy, D.I.Y. and go to youtube and type in “pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows,” just in case you’re a rebellious subject of the king.

A Magnificent Fail of an Endeavor to Find New Life on Mars: Or, A Scummy Cheating Copycat Game that Nobody Will Ever Play, Except the 1,096 People Who Already Have

My dear Unibloggers, Posters, Commenters, and fabulously lucky people who have found themselves directed to this site by Google,

Today is a sad day in the unicorn realm. Today is the day that I, DistractedButton, have encountered the most outrageous attempt to be cool that has ever been attempted in an attempt to be cool. Look ye on this blasphemy, and judge for yourself whether its creator should be burned at the stake.

http://www.freegaming.de/onlinegames/Jump-and-Run-%7C-Platform-Games/The-Last-Winged-Unicorn-Jump-n-Run-Game.html

It’s a platform game called “The Last Winged Unicorn,” and as we all know this is a thievery of the title “The Last Unicorn,” which is, of corse, a brilliant movie about the last unicorn and her quest to defeat the mighty Red Bull, pet of the evil King Hagar or whatever the hell his name is.

EINHORN. hehehe.

To further the insult of blatant plagiarism going on here, this unicorn is not a unicorn at all. It is a pegasus with a horn. Unicorns do not have wings. Easy peasy. As we all know from previous posts, these animals are not the same creature.

Here we see an enraged unicorn, engaged in a life or death struggle with the pegasus. Their mutual hatred is such that they cannot stand to look at each other. As we watch, these two plush toys are counting off steps before they turn and shoot. THEY ARE NOT ABLE TO COEXIST.

Now, the first thing one will gather from this atrocious excuse for a game is that it is the most disgusting copying that I have ever seen, and I went through all four years of high school, thank you very much. This game is a FRAUD. You know that part in Hercules when what’s-his-face is talking to Herc and he suddenly shouts, “SHE IS A FRAUD!” and Hercules is all upset and does something nasty to what’s-his-face goatman Phil or Goatman or whatever and it’s all very terrible? Well this is worse. THIS IS DOWNRIGHT VILLAINY. Let us begin with simple concepts: One, that Robot Unicorn Attack has been copied absolutely. Two, that Robot Unicorn Attack is a robot unicorn and that this foul game here is also a so-called “unicorn.” Ignore the wings. Three, that Robot Unicorn Attack is a unicorn running for no particular reason, with no levels, no bad guys, just things that kill you if you run into them or fall off a cliff. SAME DAMN THING. Four, and this is worst of all, this horrible copycat game uses the SAME EXACT KEYS to jump and attack. Z and X? Oh, you are clever—now your game will be an instant hit and everyone will want it on their iPhones. Ok. We’ve made it simple. Now for some direct criticism.

Palm trees? A unicorn with palm trees on floating platforms? And little tiki dudes? What’s up with that? Everyone knows that unicorns don’t live in palm tree zones.

Then there’s the music. It’s bad. Normally I would get excited over music from “The Lion King,” but this is pitiful. Really. They took out the words. It’s bad. Not gaming music. Not AWESOME.

Also, what on earth are those things you’re supposed to be getting? Flowers? Are those flowers? They’re funky pink things! I don’t understand.

And just look at the instructions! “One of the last mythical creatures, the Winged Unicorn, decided some exercise and run. He sported a fun and did not notice that ran in unfamiliar places. Aztecs totems were scattered around on the hanging islands. Before the Unicorn has created a complex task to run on these islands and do not fall into the abyss.” WHAT. Not even English. I don’t know what it’s saying about sporting a fun.

And now for the animation of the winged unicorn: Oh dear. It’s got spindly legs that wiggle in the air before you begin, and it’s weird-looking. Not a normal unicorn. Not pretty, not graceful. It disgraces the name of Unicorn.

And so I declare war on this vile game, and ask that all of you out there who are playing it are sure to then delete it from your browsing history in shame.

That is all.