Hunting the Unicorn

Matt asks: “Is there a unicorn hunting season?”
Here is an answer, and much more!

The Unicorn is a tricky fucker who is hard to find at the best of times. There is no real season for hunting them, since they do not partake in such festivities as hibernation or migration. Generally, if you site a unicorn, where the siting takes place is their home habitat and where they can be found again (unless they are from The Rainbow Redoubt, which they would return to and not come again to the spot you saw them).

You're out of luck if you think finding a unicorn would be this easy.

There are several things that can ease you in hunting a unicorn. If you are able to tell the gender of the unicorn, urine from the opposite sex would attract them (unless they are homosexual, which some unicorns are, but they all aren’t as contrary to popular belief they are. Just because something is beautiful and mingles with fairies and other whimsical woodland creatures doesn’t make it gay. I mean, lumberjacks do that kind of and I don’t think they’re all gay. I don’t know though, maybe there is some code of homosexuality that all lumberjacks follow, but unicorns follow no such code.) Those cat wands with feather on them that felines love to play with attract unicorns. Sometimes if they are feeling playful they might run up to you if you are dangling one in an open clearing. They might even roll on their back and knock at it jokingly with their hooves! The smell of lavender tickles their nose, so if you have a faint scent of it drifting about you it would increase your chances of a unicorn encounter by ten fold. There are other tricks of the trade I could tell you, but I think it’s important for people to look in the lore and hear it in the whispers of the wind. The true magic of unicorn hunting comes from the journey of finding your own techniques and the adventures you have along the way. In the words of Hannah Montana, “It’s all about the climb.”

There is an extremely important part of unicorn hunting: The fair maiden.

A pure maiden who has tamed a gentle unicorn.

Only a maiden as pure as the depicted can tame such a noble beast as the unicorn. There is no text book way of grading how pure a maiden is, it’s found in her heart and mind and judged only by the unicorn she seeks to control. The actually act of taming such a mighty beast can be off-putting, and if you attempt to without being ‘white’ (I use this in terms of purity, not as a preference in skin color. Or who knows, I’ve never seen a black woman on a unicorn) it will undoubtedly result in a painful death of being impaled by the unicorn’s horn, several times. The proper approach for presenting oneself to a unicorn can be seen here:

Please don’t “hunt” unicorns either. It is frowned upon to kill them. Taming and releasing is fine though. Bestiality is also frowned upon

Happy “Hunting”!

Pro-Unicorn Student Promotes Unicorn Awareness in Rural High School

Kiwi and her "rainbow unicorn army"

Kiwi Knit-Wit*, a high school student with a big heart and an even bigger talent in crafts, recently set to folding an army of origami unicorns. By handing these accurate representations of our uni-horned comrades to various students and educators, Knit-Wit was able to begin a pro-unicorn/anti-racism commentary at her rural high school in the deciduous wastelands of the North-Eastern United States.

She used many different colors of paper in her craft in order to show that all unicorns are different; they should not be stereotyped or discriminated against for their differences any more than people should. ”[I am] going to make a rainbow army of origami unicorns:)” She wrote on her Facebook page the night before the completion of the project, and many hours of hard folding later, she is stunned by the results of her seemingly endless struggle. People at her school, namely the educators, are finally coming around and realizing the errors of society today. Kiwi’s color symbolism has shined a light on the repercussions of racism as well as the seriousness of mocking creatures that could dominate our feeble species in a heartbeat.

Her efforts have also pulled other believers like Kiwi out of the woodwork, and has bonded them together in a legion of friends to serve under the rainbow unicorn army int he march toward Total Unicorn Awareness. “In the middle of a unicorn friendship frenzy!!!” She exclaimed happily, also on her Facebook page. Little Kiwi Knit-Wit, once a lone believer, revels in the friends her army has made for her, not only among the human community in the surrounding area, but in the unicorn community as well. Unicorns from across New England have been sending letters to the girl, thanking her for her effort to relieve the harsh discrimination they face on a daily basis. They know that this is the first step to equality, and I, on behalf of the UniBlog, could not agree more.

*name changed to preserve privacy.

Inquire over a cup of tea with the academic unicorn

Today’s question:
“How do you define the sexual orientation of a unicorn? If a unicorn is a male does it have a penis? If it is a woman a vagina? Can they be attracted to the same sex? Can a human date a unicorn? So many unanswered questions….
Love the ever so curious,
Strawberry Jam”

Well Strawberry Jam, horses do reflect on the genitalia that unicorns have. So if you curiosity is truly ever so, feel free to go to your local veterinarian and ask about the sexual anatomy of a horse, but in your head just substitute horse with unicorn.

Now the interesting part about unicorns is how they do reproduce. They do not have sex to have babies. When two parent unicorns are ready to have a baby, they tell god and he sends one down on a rainbow. Since sex is not required for unicorns to reproduce, the gender matching does not matter. So two mothers, fathers or a mother and father can all have a baby. There is little discrimination in the unicorn world about sexuality. It’s considered okay to be with either sex, however in the human world there is a popular belief that all male unicorns are gay, which is unjustified and untrue. But they can be gay if they want to be.

It is frowned in both the human and unicorn world to date outside of your species. You can find soul mates in each other and spend the rest of your life as best friends, just not labeling.

Unanswered questions are meant to be asked, so feel free to ask anytime!

Loving and open armed,

Academic Unicorn

Ask A Unicorn Scholar

Dearest most intelligent Unicorn Scholar,
How do you define the sexual orientation of a unicorn? If a unicorn is a male does it have a penis? If it is a woman a vagina? Can they be attracted to the same sex? Can a human date a unicorn? So many unanswered questions….
Love the ever so curious,
Strawberry Jam

 

Dearest Strawberry Jam,

I’m not sure how old you are, but these kind of sexual questions assail us no matter how point in life. As we walk around this earth, we are attacked by a multitude of questions about our own sexuality, specifically our sexual preferences towards animals of a horned nature. I cannot tell you the path to follow, young condiment, but I can give you a word of advice: always check local bestiality laws.

You’re welcome,

The Unicorn Scholar

 

The Unicorn Code

The Unicorn Code:
1. Unicorns never cheat.
2. Unicorns always lend a helping hand.
3. Unicorns never talk to strangers.
4. Unicorns respect the earth.
5. Unicorns are never late.
6. Unicorns are not conceded.
7. Unicorns don’t judge people.
8. Unicorns always give 100%.
9. Unicorns graze on peace and love.
10. Unicorns don’t do drugs.

Unicorns: a combination of boy scouts, girl scouts, preschool teachers and seeing eye dogs. The positive values that the unicorn code emits are practically as powerful as the sun. We should power our cities with this energy. Similar to Monsters Inc. where they power their cities with the laughter of children. Although the screams of children also conduct power but not as much. Wow. I just realized how bad ass it was that they powered their city on the screams of children.

So I think there are a couple changes I would want on the code.
1) For it not to be a code but rather “The Unicorn Lifestyle”.
2) To add an 11th way of life that is to always look your best.
3) A right to bear arms and use them.
4) Ability to harvest the screams of children into green energy.
5) Right and access to anyone you want for sexual purposes. No grandma will be safe from me.

Obey The Unicorn Lifestyle. The unicorn world is the only world. Deal with it. In the immortal words of The Beatles… Nothing’s going to change my world.

Synthetic Unicorns?

Due to my current “if you post something I’ll make a post” policy I owe my dying public two half-ass random posts.

Synthetic unicorns? What is this craze with robot unicorns and the exploding?

1) I don’t even.
2) I’ve actually fairly well documented most of mechanical unicorn revolution, but I’ll condense everything into a manageable post:

—–
The earliest recording of a robot unicorn that has been really mainstream that I can think of would have to be Battle Unicorn released in 2001.

You're fucked nothing will save you.

Battle Unicorn is a Maximal (decedent of the Autobots) transformer. He is very quiet and can teleport to places. The perfect rapist.
“His stealth armor, sound dampers, sensor-scrambling hoof-stomps, and unique teleportation abilities combine to make this a rare occurrence, and make Battle Unicorn an excellent scout. “
Sensor-scrambling hoof-stomps. I also don’t understand why sound dampers would be really useful in space (where a lot of Battle Unicorn’s action is) since sound wouldn’t travel anyways but hey take what you can get.
Sadly, however, Battle Unicorn had a short shelf life.
—–
Axe Cop is a famous web comic for it’s pairing up of a 6 year old writer and a 29 year old illustrator. This dynamic brotherly duo together create the unpredictable events that consist and maintain Axe Cop. Axe Cop has had a lot of unicorn references with the unipeople and lots of wish granting unicorn horns, but on May 5, 2010, episode 37 of Axe Cop, unicorns were finally directly referenced with the unicorn gun.

The hard cold steel unicorn weopen was later used in an attempt to defeat a boss on July 5, 2010, episode 44.

With dearest regrets, it wasn’t very effective.
—–
The next robot unicorn I can think of would be the RoboCop unicorn.

80% Man

Although the original RoboCop movie was released in 1987, RoboCop on a unicorn was not created until January 15th, 2008 by Olav Rokne. The image was created using photoshop and original posted on Flickr. In October of 2008 became a common spoof for the 2008 election with the slogan “RoboCop/Unicorn 2008″.
—–
The most famous robot unicorn would have to be the robot unicorn from Robot Unicorn Attack.

Imortalized digitally by the enchanting Papaleo.

This online free game was released on January 2010 by Adult Swim. The song in it, the 1994 smash hit Always by Erasure, is a reference to 4chan’s video game board. Interesting.
With the games popularity sky rocketing out of fucking no where, it took the world by storm. Aways became a song that most people know if they use the internet for that kind of thing. Robot Unicorn Attack has also invaded many memes, there are few that have never referenced it.

Of course there is a link to it on this site but w/e go find it it’s in the archives somewhere.

2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Fresher than ever.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 7,800 times in 2010. That’s about 19 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 46 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 117 posts. There were 2 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 50kb.

The busiest day of the year was October 3rd with 71 views. The most popular post that day was Two Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Behaving Amicably .

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, en.search.wordpress.com, obama-scandal-exposed.co.cc, search.aol.com, and alphainventions.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for narwhals, unicorn, unicorns, lions fighting, and robot unicorn attack.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Two Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Behaving Amicably May 2010
1 comment

2

Unicorns and Narwhals: Coincidence, I think not. July 2009
7 comments

3

Two Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Fighting That I Found On the Internet October 2009
1 comment

4

Unicorns and Pandas: Friends or Foes? April 2010
2 comments

5

Two More Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Fighting That I Found on the Internet December 2009

Merry Christmas, Lenny the Unicorn!

“Merry Christmas!” Lenny the Unicorn shouted at me as he teleported himself through my front door.
“Did you just teleport yourself through my door?!” I shouted back. I admit that it wasn’t the most polite greeting, but Lenny’s teleportation had just shocked the crackers I was eating out of my mouth. They now lay in wet crumbs on the floor, where my dog promptly began eating them.
“Well… yes, I suppose I did,” Lenny shook his body to rid it of the snow which had fallen on him. “But what does that matter, when it’s Christmas?”
I gave him a bewildered expression. At least I think I did. I couldn’t be sure as I did not have a mirror to look into. “Okay then… merry Christmas, I guess. And welcome back, last time you left just as I was about to give you coffee.” I was still baffled as to how he had written the note without fingers to hold the pen with.
“Ah yes, I do recall having to leave rather randomly. I’ll take that coffee now, if you don’t mind,” Lenny then waltzed right in to my living room and sat himself down on the floor in front of the fireplace. “Nice tree, by the way. Perfect shape. A bit short, though.”
I stood speechless in the front hall for a moment or two as I mentally came to terms with the fact that Lenny the Unicorn had just teleported through my door without bothering to call me first on the uniphone to tell me. I was also wondering why he was here.
“Why- I mean thanks- I mean… I don’t have that coffee anymore. You were here quite awhile ago, so I’ve thrown it away by now. Actually, when you left, I think I drank it.” I could feel the confusion invading my expression.

“Oh,” Lenny replied. There was an akward moment or two… or three… or four… where Lenny and I stared at each other. I suspected he wanted to give me a word or two about drinking his coffee, but it never came.

“I’ll just, ah… get you a new one?” He was still staring at me awkwardly, and I assumed that he had begun daydreaming because a loopy uni-grin began to spread oddly over his face like a badly contagious laugh. I left the room before I caught it. When I returned, with Lenny’s coffee, He had snapped out of it and was nosing logs into the fire. I put his coffee down on the coffee table and he began to lap it up, causing the hot liquid to splash all over the place. I cringed with each drop as it soaked into the antique flooring.
“So… what are you doing here? You do realize that I have guests who are going to show up any second, don’t you? They can’t see you here. Some of them are rednecks. They don’t even accept normal things like homosexuality, never mind unicorns!” I looked to the ground shamefully, wishing that I didn’t have to belong to the same species as those stupid buttfaces.
“Well… I know I’m a tough war veteran and all, kicking butt in the NUTs and all, but… no one should be alone on Christmas,” He looked embarrassed and averted my gaze with his eye, choosing instead to stare out the window.
I sighed. “Lenny, it’s a lovely sentiment, but I’m not alone, I-”
“I didn’t mean you,” He stated, meeting my eyes with his one. A glimmering tear welled there and fell down his cheek and I caught it and tossed it out the window before it could turn into a phoenix [check back later for a blog update on biological unifacts].
A wave of empathy rushed over me as I remembered the multiple Christmases that my parents left me behind as they went on vacation, leaving me to stay home and set ingenious booby traps for villains who broke into my house. I then recalled that those events happened in someone else’s life and the empathy lessened, but it was still there. “Oh, Lenny!” I cried, hugging him around the neck. “It’s really sad that I’m your only friend. I’m just a teen UniBlogger, and a human, no less! You need some friends that are more like you! But I’ll spend Christmas with you instead of with my family. You’re right, no one should be alone on Christmas.”
“Thank you,” he said, and I was suddenly reminded of his age. He seemed like a grumpy old man to me, making amends with his estranged daughter who he pushed away in a fit of range and then had too much pride to fix the relationship with. “Would you like to go flying?” He spotted the sparkles dazzling in my eyes and guessed my answer. “Grab a red light and hop on! We can trick some kids into thinking that we’re Santa’s sleigh!”
As we flew through the night sky, I smiled radiantly before quickly pressing my lips together to avoid swallowing bugs. The gift of unicorn flight was truly the best gift he could have given a UniBlogger.

Whiteboard Unicorns

http://whiteboardunicorns.com/

Whiteboard Unicorns is a website about unicorns being drawn on a whiteboard. Most of them don’t seem at all funny to me, maybe they’re meant to be more of inside jokes with friends. Either way, the person who writes them has the skills of a ten year old. A great role model of mine once said that you become funny as your understanding of the world increases. Looking at that statement, I can collect that the writer had a fairly sheltered life. How I envy them.

Most of the “comics” seem like fillers, like the writer doesn’t really care about how it is anymore and just wants to get them done with. It’s the kind of blog that should have died around it’s tenth post. Unlike the uniblog. Mythical Horned Horses is going to live on forever. Whether it’s physically, in the hearts and minds of our people, or as a continued blog. Who knows, maybe there will be a uniblog book someday.

The link is under the picture, I got through about 12 before I stopped.

unicorns are real

SMART

I have no idea who the heck Barbara Meister Vitale is, but she should be the head of the Department of Education.