Pro-Unicorn Student Promotes Unicorn Awareness in Rural High School

Kiwi and her "rainbow unicorn army"

Kiwi Knit-Wit*, a high school student with a big heart and an even bigger talent in crafts, recently set to folding an army of origami unicorns. By handing these accurate representations of our uni-horned comrades to various students and educators, Knit-Wit was able to begin a pro-unicorn/anti-racism commentary at her rural high school in the deciduous wastelands of the North-Eastern United States.

She used many different colors of paper in her craft in order to show that all unicorns are different; they should not be stereotyped or discriminated against for their differences any more than people should. ”[I am] going to make a rainbow army of origami unicorns:)” She wrote on her Facebook page the night before the completion of the project, and many hours of hard folding later, she is stunned by the results of her seemingly endless struggle. People at her school, namely the educators, are finally coming around and realizing the errors of society today. Kiwi’s color symbolism has shined a light on the repercussions of racism as well as the seriousness of mocking creatures that could dominate our feeble species in a heartbeat.

Her efforts have also pulled other believers like Kiwi out of the woodwork, and has bonded them together in a legion of friends to serve under the rainbow unicorn army int he march toward Total Unicorn Awareness. “In the middle of a unicorn friendship frenzy!!!” She exclaimed happily, also on her Facebook page. Little Kiwi Knit-Wit, once a lone believer, revels in the friends her army has made for her, not only among the human community in the surrounding area, but in the unicorn community as well. Unicorns from across New England have been sending letters to the girl, thanking her for her effort to relieve the harsh discrimination they face on a daily basis. They know that this is the first step to equality, and I, on behalf of the UniBlog, could not agree more.

*name changed to preserve privacy.

Merry Christmas, Lenny the Unicorn!

“Merry Christmas!” Lenny the Unicorn shouted at me as he teleported himself through my front door.
“Did you just teleport yourself through my door?!” I shouted back. I admit that it wasn’t the most polite greeting, but Lenny’s teleportation had just shocked the crackers I was eating out of my mouth. They now lay in wet crumbs on the floor, where my dog promptly began eating them.
“Well… yes, I suppose I did,” Lenny shook his body to rid it of the snow which had fallen on him. “But what does that matter, when it’s Christmas?”
I gave him a bewildered expression. At least I think I did. I couldn’t be sure as I did not have a mirror to look into. “Okay then… merry Christmas, I guess. And welcome back, last time you left just as I was about to give you coffee.” I was still baffled as to how he had written the note without fingers to hold the pen with.
“Ah yes, I do recall having to leave rather randomly. I’ll take that coffee now, if you don’t mind,” Lenny then waltzed right in to my living room and sat himself down on the floor in front of the fireplace. “Nice tree, by the way. Perfect shape. A bit short, though.”
I stood speechless in the front hall for a moment or two as I mentally came to terms with the fact that Lenny the Unicorn had just teleported through my door without bothering to call me first on the uniphone to tell me. I was also wondering why he was here.
“Why- I mean thanks- I mean… I don’t have that coffee anymore. You were here quite awhile ago, so I’ve thrown it away by now. Actually, when you left, I think I drank it.” I could feel the confusion invading my expression.

“Oh,” Lenny replied. There was an akward moment or two… or three… or four… where Lenny and I stared at each other. I suspected he wanted to give me a word or two about drinking his coffee, but it never came.

“I’ll just, ah… get you a new one?” He was still staring at me awkwardly, and I assumed that he had begun daydreaming because a loopy uni-grin began to spread oddly over his face like a badly contagious laugh. I left the room before I caught it. When I returned, with Lenny’s coffee, He had snapped out of it and was nosing logs into the fire. I put his coffee down on the coffee table and he began to lap it up, causing the hot liquid to splash all over the place. I cringed with each drop as it soaked into the antique flooring.
“So… what are you doing here? You do realize that I have guests who are going to show up any second, don’t you? They can’t see you here. Some of them are rednecks. They don’t even accept normal things like homosexuality, never mind unicorns!” I looked to the ground shamefully, wishing that I didn’t have to belong to the same species as those stupid buttfaces.
“Well… I know I’m a tough war veteran and all, kicking butt in the NUTs and all, but… no one should be alone on Christmas,” He looked embarrassed and averted my gaze with his eye, choosing instead to stare out the window.
I sighed. “Lenny, it’s a lovely sentiment, but I’m not alone, I-”
“I didn’t mean you,” He stated, meeting my eyes with his one. A glimmering tear welled there and fell down his cheek and I caught it and tossed it out the window before it could turn into a phoenix [check back later for a blog update on biological unifacts].
A wave of empathy rushed over me as I remembered the multiple Christmases that my parents left me behind as they went on vacation, leaving me to stay home and set ingenious booby traps for villains who broke into my house. I then recalled that those events happened in someone else’s life and the empathy lessened, but it was still there. “Oh, Lenny!” I cried, hugging him around the neck. “It’s really sad that I’m your only friend. I’m just a teen UniBlogger, and a human, no less! You need some friends that are more like you! But I’ll spend Christmas with you instead of with my family. You’re right, no one should be alone on Christmas.”
“Thank you,” he said, and I was suddenly reminded of his age. He seemed like a grumpy old man to me, making amends with his estranged daughter who he pushed away in a fit of range and then had too much pride to fix the relationship with. “Would you like to go flying?” He spotted the sparkles dazzling in my eyes and guessed my answer. “Grab a red light and hop on! We can trick some kids into thinking that we’re Santa’s sleigh!”
As we flew through the night sky, I smiled radiantly before quickly pressing my lips together to avoid swallowing bugs. The gift of unicorn flight was truly the best gift he could have given a UniBlogger.

Yay, Unicorns! A Shakespearean Sonnet

A magical fantasy unravels-

Rainbows dance, play across the lake surface,

Wind is not wind but a chiming of bells.

Wingless creatures flutter, twirl sans purpose,

Manes cascade down necks of the whitest gold;

Horns shimmer an iridescent beauty.

Tropical warmth banishes every cold.

Great knights struggle to complete their duty.

Magic provides impossibilities

To cloak their lives, their very existence;

To help hide from modern societies

For they would meet cruel claims with resistance.

The magic of unicorns never ends

Realistically, they are not pretend.

 

Unicorn Flight- Part II The Interview with Lenny

Lenny the Unicorn, a true badass and one of the first unicorns to come out into the open after the National Unicorn Trials (the NUTs), hobbled into my living room one rainy afternoon. My cat, being unused to having such a being in the house, hissed at him and arched her back. Her fur all stood on end, making her tail look something like one of those cheap shitty dusters that only brush the dust around and make people sneeze more. Lenny gave her a look with his remaining eye and she skittered off in fright. I smiled and took my notebook out of my bag. This was the moment I had been waiting for. Lenny was about to share with me the answer to a question I had been asking since kindergarten- can unicorns fly?

Lenny sneezed, so I offered him a tissue. He then brought my attention to the fact that he didn’t have any hands, so I blushed and helped him wipe his nose. It was then time to start the interview, so I was saved from doing the awkward turtle hand motion.

“So, Mr. Lenny,” I began, flipping to the bio I had printed about him off unipedia on the uniweb (the uniweb is an exclusive Internet database for unicorns, so naturally it is quite difficult to come by a computer meant for four-fingered-imposable-thumbed beings that can access the uniweb. I myself had quite the time locating one, but thanks to the connections that I have in the “mythical” world, I was able to use Mother Nature’s all-powerful supercomputer. Surprisingly, it quite resembled my ancient Toshiba, which made me a bit smug). “It is my understanding that you played quite the roll in defending your species in the NUTs. Is that correct?”

“It is,” Lenny replied, shaking his neck to rid it from a fly that had landed there. The fly flew away into the foyer, where it was promptly killed by my cat, who pounced on it and proceeded to eat it. I glared at her for her bad behavior, but, being a cat, she ignored me and ran into the bathroom, where she likes to sleep in the sink.

“And you were with the Department of Disguise in the Aviation sect, yes?” I flipped back to my blank notebook page, my favorite purple pen poised above the first line.

“That is correct. I worked in the Department of Disguise for 62 years from the moment I graduated from Unicorn Tech to the day I turned 80. And I don’t regret a thing. Is there going to be some coffee for me after this interview?” The question he asked threw me off guard. I hadn’t planned on Lenny being a caffeine addict, but now that I looked harder, I could see the fatigue in his eye. I myself am not an addict, but I do enjoy the occasional coffee. I assured Lenny that I would indeed give him some coffee to drink and called for my mom to start the coffee maker. She refused and told me to do it myself, so I politely asked Lenny to excuse me. I then walked into the kitchen and started the coffee machine. When I came back, Lenny was exactly where I had left him.

“So the Aviation Sect… does this, by any chance have anything to do with unicorn flight?!” I turned my interrogation eye to him as I flicked the light switch so that the light nearest to him was on, thus illuminating him and the surrounding space.

“Well… I thought that was obvious. Of course it involves unicorn flight!” Lenny looked at me as incredulously as he could with one eye.

I involuntarily squeaked in my delight. This was it, the confession that the world had been waiting for. “So what you’re saying is… unicorns are indeed capable of flight?”

“Capable?!” If his look could have gotten any more incredulous, it would have, but alas, as it could not, its level of incredulousness stayed the same. “We are more than capable! We are the epitome of smooth flight!”

I smiled and directed the light to a more comfortable distance from my interviewee. I was also unsure of whether or not interviewee was an actual word, but I wrote it anyway, which made me laugh out loud at myself. I quickly shut up as Lenny looked upon me with a scrutinous eye. “Do all unicorns possess the ability to fly?” I inquired, again poised to jot down his answer.

“Flying for unicorns is much like flying for fairies. We learn to walk first, and then to fly. We learn from our parents just as humans learn to walk from theirs, but I’m certain that if we didn’t have anyone to teach us, instinct would kick in and we’d learn to walk and fly on our own. However, it is different from fairy flight in the way that we have to practice in order to do it well. Much like riding a bike for humans. And yet, it’s not quite the same…” he trailed off. I waited for a good minute in a half and was about to continue with my questions when he added “And please, call me Lenny.” Lenny contorted his face in what I assume to have been an attempt at an endearing smile.

I returned the gesture and continued with my interro- I mean our interview. “So- physically- how does unicorn flight work?”

“Well,” Lenny relaxed some of his muscles, and I knew that we had reached a point in our interview that he really enjoyed talking about. “it’s really quite simple, but usually I explain it to uneducated people who know nothing of the powers of a unicorn’s horn. You, however, are adequately schooled in such matters, so I am assuming that you will understand better than most.” I nodded my head in encouragement. I was sure that I would understand the concept of unicorn flight. It was getting a little stuffy in my living room then, so I tied my hair back with one of my Ouchless hair-ties. It was during my hair re-do that Lenny continued to speak. “As I said, the unicorn horn holds great mystical powers. I assume that you already know that they hold great healing magic,” he paused then, and I didn’t understand why. A few seconds later, however, it clicked with me and I nodded my head to let him know that I did indeed know that unicorn horns could be used for healing. He then proceeded in his speech. “Anyway, the unicorn horn has great magical abilities. These abilities are far more mystical than even us unicorns are aware of. One of these powers is the abilitiy of flight. When a unicorn wishes to fly, his or her horn glows a bright blue. Sort of an… an electric blue, if you will. Not a royal blue, or a navy blue, or- god forbid- a blue-green color, but a bright electric blue. Then that light  travels down our spines and branches off into the place where our wings would be, if we had any physical ones.”

I nodded enthusiastically and continued to frantically write in my notebook. “Then you just fly! At what speed would you say?” I brought the end of my pen up to my cheek and squinted my already-squinty Asian eyes to look either like I was thinking or about to sneeze.

Lenny opened his mouth to talk, but it was at that moment that the alarm for the coffee machine went off. I told him to wait while I lept up and sped to the kitchen. When I returned, Lenny was nowhere to be seen, but I did find a note on his chair which read “Sorry I had to leave- Important UniGovernment business. I’ll be in touch. -Lenny the Unicorn” I then drank his coffee and spent the rest of the night pondering how he could have written the note without hands.

-FallOutBoyFiend

Unicorns: Can They Fly? Part I- To Get You Thinking…

A large debate that often rose to a heated argument in my elementary school years was whether unicorns had wings or if that luxury was simply left to the pegasus. Upon much picture-viewing on my part, I have found that most unicorns depicted do not have wings, but can they indeed fly? I’d like to think that they do.

Although the mythical horned horse is not very aerodynamic in shape, one cannot underestimate the power held in their horns. After all, if simple-minded reindeer can fly around the world lugging a morbidly obiese man and millions of gifts varying in size and weight, why wouldn’t a unicorn be able to fly say, from its home to the dentist and back?

These are questions that you’d think the world would never know the answer to, but alas, here on the Mythical Horned Horses Blog, we don’t play by society’s rules of reality. This is why I was able to set up an interview with Lenny the Unicorn later this fall to solve the issue of unicorn flight.

Unicorn Manslaughter: A Limeric

There once was a unicorn Bill

Who had trouble climbing a hill

He fell all the way down

While his horn stabbed a clown

But he did not aim to kill