My dear Unibloggers, Posters, Commenters, and fabulously lucky people who have found themselves directed to this site by Google,
Today is a sad day in the unicorn realm. Today is the day that I, DistractedButton, have encountered the most outrageous attempt to be cool that has ever been attempted in an attempt to be cool. Look ye on this blasphemy, and judge for yourself whether its creator should be burned at the stake.
http://www.freegaming.de/onlinegames/Jump-and-Run-%7C-Platform-Games/The-Last-Winged-Unicorn-Jump-n-Run-Game.html
It’s a platform game called “The Last Winged Unicorn,” and as we all know this is a thievery of the title “The Last Unicorn,” which is, of corse, a brilliant movie about the last unicorn and her quest to defeat the mighty Red Bull, pet of the evil King Hagar or whatever the hell his name is.
EINHORN. hehehe.
To further the insult of blatant plagiarism going on here, this unicorn is not a unicorn at all. It is a pegasus with a horn. Unicorns do not have wings. Easy peasy. As we all know from previous posts, these animals are not the same creature.
Here we see an enraged unicorn, engaged in a life or death struggle with the pegasus. Their mutual hatred is such that they cannot stand to look at each other. As we watch, these two plush toys are counting off steps before they turn and shoot. THEY ARE NOT ABLE TO COEXIST.
Now, the first thing one will gather from this atrocious excuse for a game is that it is the most disgusting copying that I have ever seen, and I went through all four years of high school, thank you very much. This game is a FRAUD. You know that part in Hercules when what’s-his-face is talking to Herc and he suddenly shouts, “SHE IS A FRAUD!” and Hercules is all upset and does something nasty to what’s-his-face goatman Phil or Goatman or whatever and it’s all very terrible? Well this is worse. THIS IS DOWNRIGHT VILLAINY. Let us begin with simple concepts: One, that Robot Unicorn Attack has been copied absolutely. Two, that Robot Unicorn Attack is a robot unicorn and that this foul game here is also a so-called “unicorn.” Ignore the wings. Three, that Robot Unicorn Attack is a unicorn running for no particular reason, with no levels, no bad guys, just things that kill you if you run into them or fall off a cliff. SAME DAMN THING. Four, and this is worst of all, this horrible copycat game uses the SAME EXACT KEYS to jump and attack. Z and X? Oh, you are clever—now your game will be an instant hit and everyone will want it on their iPhones. Ok. We’ve made it simple. Now for some direct criticism.
Palm trees? A unicorn with palm trees on floating platforms? And little tiki dudes? What’s up with that? Everyone knows that unicorns don’t live in palm tree zones.
Then there’s the music. It’s bad. Normally I would get excited over music from “The Lion King,” but this is pitiful. Really. They took out the words. It’s bad. Not gaming music. Not AWESOME.
Also, what on earth are those things you’re supposed to be getting? Flowers? Are those flowers? They’re funky pink things! I don’t understand.
And just look at the instructions! “One of the last mythical creatures, the Winged Unicorn, decided some exercise and run. He sported a fun and did not notice that ran in unfamiliar places. Aztecs totems were scattered around on the hanging islands. Before the Unicorn has created a complex task to run on these islands and do not fall into the abyss.” WHAT. Not even English. I don’t know what it’s saying about sporting a fun.
And now for the animation of the winged unicorn: Oh dear. It’s got spindly legs that wiggle in the air before you begin, and it’s weird-looking. Not a normal unicorn. Not pretty, not graceful. It disgraces the name of Unicorn.
And so I declare war on this vile game, and ask that all of you out there who are playing it are sure to then delete it from your browsing history in shame.
That is all.
a. cecil
distractedbutton
Sophia Michael
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