Hunting the Unicorn

Matt asks: “Is there a unicorn hunting season?”
Here is an answer, and much more!

The Unicorn is a tricky fucker who is hard to find at the best of times. There is no real season for hunting them, since they do not partake in such festivities as hibernation or migration. Generally, if you site a unicorn, where the siting takes place is their home habitat and where they can be found again (unless they are from The Rainbow Redoubt, which they would return to and not come again to the spot you saw them).

You're out of luck if you think finding a unicorn would be this easy.

There are several things that can ease you in hunting a unicorn. If you are able to tell the gender of the unicorn, urine from the opposite sex would attract them (unless they are homosexual, which some unicorns are, but they all aren’t as contrary to popular belief they are. Just because something is beautiful and mingles with fairies and other whimsical woodland creatures doesn’t make it gay. I mean, lumberjacks do that kind of and I don’t think they’re all gay. I don’t know though, maybe there is some code of homosexuality that all lumberjacks follow, but unicorns follow no such code.) Those cat wands with feather on them that felines love to play with attract unicorns. Sometimes if they are feeling playful they might run up to you if you are dangling one in an open clearing. They might even roll on their back and knock at it jokingly with their hooves! The smell of lavender tickles their nose, so if you have a faint scent of it drifting about you it would increase your chances of a unicorn encounter by ten fold. There are other tricks of the trade I could tell you, but I think it’s important for people to look in the lore and hear it in the whispers of the wind. The true magic of unicorn hunting comes from the journey of finding your own techniques and the adventures you have along the way. In the words of Hannah Montana, “It’s all about the climb.”

There is an extremely important part of unicorn hunting: The fair maiden.

A pure maiden who has tamed a gentle unicorn.

Only a maiden as pure as the depicted can tame such a noble beast as the unicorn. There is no text book way of grading how pure a maiden is, it’s found in her heart and mind and judged only by the unicorn she seeks to control. The actually act of taming such a mighty beast can be off-putting, and if you attempt to without being ‘white’ (I use this in terms of purity, not as a preference in skin color. Or who knows, I’ve never seen a black woman on a unicorn) it will undoubtedly result in a painful death of being impaled by the unicorn’s horn, several times. The proper approach for presenting oneself to a unicorn can be seen here:

Please don’t “hunt” unicorns either. It is frowned upon to kill them. Taming and releasing is fine though. Bestiality is also frowned upon

Happy “Hunting”!

Inquire over a cup of tea with the academic unicorn

Today’s question:
“How do you define the sexual orientation of a unicorn? If a unicorn is a male does it have a penis? If it is a woman a vagina? Can they be attracted to the same sex? Can a human date a unicorn? So many unanswered questions….
Love the ever so curious,
Strawberry Jam”

Well Strawberry Jam, horses do reflect on the genitalia that unicorns have. So if you curiosity is truly ever so, feel free to go to your local veterinarian and ask about the sexual anatomy of a horse, but in your head just substitute horse with unicorn.

Now the interesting part about unicorns is how they do reproduce. They do not have sex to have babies. When two parent unicorns are ready to have a baby, they tell god and he sends one down on a rainbow. Since sex is not required for unicorns to reproduce, the gender matching does not matter. So two mothers, fathers or a mother and father can all have a baby. There is little discrimination in the unicorn world about sexuality. It’s considered okay to be with either sex, however in the human world there is a popular belief that all male unicorns are gay, which is unjustified and untrue. But they can be gay if they want to be.

It is frowned in both the human and unicorn world to date outside of your species. You can find soul mates in each other and spend the rest of your life as best friends, just not labeling.

Unanswered questions are meant to be asked, so feel free to ask anytime!

Loving and open armed,

Academic Unicorn

The Unicorn Code

The Unicorn Code:
1. Unicorns never cheat.
2. Unicorns always lend a helping hand.
3. Unicorns never talk to strangers.
4. Unicorns respect the earth.
5. Unicorns are never late.
6. Unicorns are not conceded.
7. Unicorns don’t judge people.
8. Unicorns always give 100%.
9. Unicorns graze on peace and love.
10. Unicorns don’t do drugs.

Unicorns: a combination of boy scouts, girl scouts, preschool teachers and seeing eye dogs. The positive values that the unicorn code emits are practically as powerful as the sun. We should power our cities with this energy. Similar to Monsters Inc. where they power their cities with the laughter of children. Although the screams of children also conduct power but not as much. Wow. I just realized how bad ass it was that they powered their city on the screams of children.

So I think there are a couple changes I would want on the code.
1) For it not to be a code but rather “The Unicorn Lifestyle”.
2) To add an 11th way of life that is to always look your best.
3) A right to bear arms and use them.
4) Ability to harvest the screams of children into green energy.
5) Right and access to anyone you want for sexual purposes. No grandma will be safe from me.

Obey The Unicorn Lifestyle. The unicorn world is the only world. Deal with it. In the immortal words of The Beatles… Nothing’s going to change my world.

Synthetic Unicorns?

Due to my current “if you post something I’ll make a post” policy I owe my dying public two half-ass random posts.

Synthetic unicorns? What is this craze with robot unicorns and the exploding?

1) I don’t even.
2) I’ve actually fairly well documented most of mechanical unicorn revolution, but I’ll condense everything into a manageable post:

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The earliest recording of a robot unicorn that has been really mainstream that I can think of would have to be Battle Unicorn released in 2001.

You're fucked nothing will save you.

Battle Unicorn is a Maximal (decedent of the Autobots) transformer. He is very quiet and can teleport to places. The perfect rapist.
“His stealth armor, sound dampers, sensor-scrambling hoof-stomps, and unique teleportation abilities combine to make this a rare occurrence, and make Battle Unicorn an excellent scout. “
Sensor-scrambling hoof-stomps. I also don’t understand why sound dampers would be really useful in space (where a lot of Battle Unicorn’s action is) since sound wouldn’t travel anyways but hey take what you can get.
Sadly, however, Battle Unicorn had a short shelf life.
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Axe Cop is a famous web comic for it’s pairing up of a 6 year old writer and a 29 year old illustrator. This dynamic brotherly duo together create the unpredictable events that consist and maintain Axe Cop. Axe Cop has had a lot of unicorn references with the unipeople and lots of wish granting unicorn horns, but on May 5, 2010, episode 37 of Axe Cop, unicorns were finally directly referenced with the unicorn gun.

The hard cold steel unicorn weopen was later used in an attempt to defeat a boss on July 5, 2010, episode 44.

With dearest regrets, it wasn’t very effective.
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The next robot unicorn I can think of would be the RoboCop unicorn.

80% Man

Although the original RoboCop movie was released in 1987, RoboCop on a unicorn was not created until January 15th, 2008 by Olav Rokne. The image was created using photoshop and original posted on Flickr. In October of 2008 became a common spoof for the 2008 election with the slogan “RoboCop/Unicorn 2008″.
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The most famous robot unicorn would have to be the robot unicorn from Robot Unicorn Attack.

Imortalized digitally by the enchanting Papaleo.

This online free game was released on January 2010 by Adult Swim. The song in it, the 1994 smash hit Always by Erasure, is a reference to 4chan’s video game board. Interesting.
With the games popularity sky rocketing out of fucking no where, it took the world by storm. Aways became a song that most people know if they use the internet for that kind of thing. Robot Unicorn Attack has also invaded many memes, there are few that have never referenced it.

Of course there is a link to it on this site but w/e go find it it’s in the archives somewhere.

Photo Round-Up

I’m sorry I’ve neglected the uniblog for such a long time, so to celebrate this post, I have a photo round-up!!

Here is a really exquisite piece of art by the author of the popular webcomic “Nedroid” (www.nedroid.com). This was a painting done for a fundraiser of some kind or other. I like that everyone has horns in this picture. It really lets the imagination run wild! The fact that this picture includes character personality is also a plus. Reginald is in the front because he always takes the better of things, while Beartato is oblivious to this and is still enjoying himself in the back. Oh the comedy.
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We find in this a strife between a unicorn and Pegasus, wonderfully immortalized in paint by the talented Sergio Hernandez. The light coming out of the unicorn’s horn really illustrates how much of a magically creature of light it is, while the Pegasus takes the latter and is a devil beast of red and black. Color symbolism, is there nothing it can’t do?

I also think that it’s worth pointing out some of the suggests I got when I uploaded this picture:

HOMOSEXUALITY AND UNICORNS DO NOT GO HAND AND HAND UNLIKE POPULAR BELIEF. But if that’s their choice and they are happy… well it’s okay.
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Here is a picture of the “Mythical Horse Man”. I thought it was close enough to go on here. He certainly is handsome and mysterious. I wish I could get my ears pierced like that.
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Last but not least is a picture of a girl I know with a hat on that might be a unicorn. It’s been TWICE now that we made plans to do something and she has just ditched them. HEAR THAT LINDSAY. HEAR THAT, STOP DITCHING ME.

Unicorns and Pokemon

Unicorns and Pokemon are the bread and butter of my life. They are also the main meal and dessert actually. In Pokemon I am always looking for a unicorn pokemon, for awhile I always thought there wasn’t one, until I realized there are actually TWO.

Rapidash #78

Rapidash, # 78 in the national pokedex, is a Pokemon that I constantly over look. It’s pretty sweet actually. It’s a horse, which already makes it hilarious. But then guess what. IT’S ON FIRE. That is 100% crazy. I would be so freaked if I saw a fire horse. I would probably think it was an omen of death. Like The Grim. I don’t want to see this scary ass horse in my tea leaves.

“When at an all-out gallop, its blazing mane sparkles, enhancing its beautiful appearance.”- Pokedex

Shimama #???

Shimama is a new pokemon from the 5th generation. Not much is known about it besides the fact that it is an electric zebra. Did that just blow your mind? because it blew mine the first time I saw it. It is a lot more cartoony then Rapidash. Although it is not confirmed anywhere, I think the lightning bolt on it’s head is actually a unicorn horn. I wouldn’t mind having it on my team.

So the one thing that i am wondering: who would win in a Pokemon battle?

Whiteboard Unicorns

http://whiteboardunicorns.com/

Whiteboard Unicorns is a website about unicorns being drawn on a whiteboard. Most of them don’t seem at all funny to me, maybe they’re meant to be more of inside jokes with friends. Either way, the person who writes them has the skills of a ten year old. A great role model of mine once said that you become funny as your understanding of the world increases. Looking at that statement, I can collect that the writer had a fairly sheltered life. How I envy them.

Most of the “comics” seem like fillers, like the writer doesn’t really care about how it is anymore and just wants to get them done with. It’s the kind of blog that should have died around it’s tenth post. Unlike the uniblog. Mythical Horned Horses is going to live on forever. Whether it’s physically, in the hearts and minds of our people, or as a continued blog. Who knows, maybe there will be a uniblog book someday.

The link is under the picture, I got through about 12 before I stopped.

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH

He's coming...

Super Furry Animals – Hometown Unicorn

Super Furry Animals is an indie rock/psychedelic/British pop band that originates from Wales. In 1996 they released a single called Hometown Unicorn, on the single is a song called Hometown Unicorn.

It’s a very nice song, it managed to get it’s way to #1 on some list. Although I think I strongly prefer their album Mwng, where all the songs are sang in Welsh and you can hear the influence from 60′s bands, like The Beatles or Beach Boys.

There is a serious appeal I see in Welsh. It’s a beautiful language with a masculine undertone to it. Although I don’t think I’d bother learning it, It seems like a dead-end language. Seriously, where would I speak Welsh besides in Wales. Actually, maybe I’ll want to move to Wales when I’m older. I like the cold, and Wales is pretty chilly. I should find a tutor.

Super Furry Animals is a band that is very unicorn. That’s right, unicorn is now an adjective. Really, I got it all cleared out with Webster, it’ll be in the 2013 edition.

Here’s another video form their Welsh album, Mwng. Plus one more because I know what’s good for you.

Unicorn Kid (music)

Unicorn Kid (aka Talentless) is an electronic/8-bit pop music maker. I have to get one positive thing out of the way before I get into my shit-storm of aspersions: he has an awesome Irish accent. It’s really neat. I was watching an interview of him and was almost lullibaed to sleep by his sing-song speaking voice. Okay, that felt good.

First off- He has this lion hat that I think had a stroke.

He'll maul yea'!

The thing must be pretty gross, seeing as he wears it to all of his shows. He hops around and dances and gets it all sweaty. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was mold inside it or lice. Actually, I would be surprised if there wasn’t.

Second: he toured with Owl City. He is just one lucky duck to have done that. That must have been so much fun, weeks of Owl City music. If I was ever that close to the Owl City guy for so long, I think I might have stabed him.

Third: He’s 18, which I guess is neat to be young and successful. But you are supposed to be smart and make the right choices. He’ll look back on this and will say “Wow, that sure was fun!” while he’s sitting in a parking lot in Portland, Oregon with his Hispanic boyfriend, Antonio, looking for shelter for the night.

Fourth:
HEY GUYZZ!!1 LETS BE OBNOXIOUS