Ask A Unicorn Scholar

hey, i got a question for the unicorn scholar.
WHAT IS ON A UNICORN’S WISHLIST FOR XMAS AND BIRTHDAYS?

- Joan of Arc

Dear Joan of Arc:

1) Energy efficient lighting.

2) A van.

3) VHS editing equipment.

4) Interns.

5) Money.

Love,

The Unicorn Scholar

Ask A Unicorn Scholar

Dearest most intelligent Unicorn Scholar,
How do you define the sexual orientation of a unicorn? If a unicorn is a male does it have a penis? If it is a woman a vagina? Can they be attracted to the same sex? Can a human date a unicorn? So many unanswered questions….
Love the ever so curious,
Strawberry Jam

 

Dearest Strawberry Jam,

I’m not sure how old you are, but these kind of sexual questions assail us no matter how point in life. As we walk around this earth, we are attacked by a multitude of questions about our own sexuality, specifically our sexual preferences towards animals of a horned nature. I cannot tell you the path to follow, young condiment, but I can give you a word of advice: always check local bestiality laws.

You’re welcome,

The Unicorn Scholar

 

2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Fresher than ever.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 7,800 times in 2010. That’s about 19 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 46 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 117 posts. There were 2 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 50kb.

The busiest day of the year was October 3rd with 71 views. The most popular post that day was Two Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Behaving Amicably .

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, en.search.wordpress.com, obama-scandal-exposed.co.cc, search.aol.com, and alphainventions.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for narwhals, unicorn, unicorns, lions fighting, and robot unicorn attack.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Two Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Behaving Amicably May 2010
1 comment

2

Unicorns and Narwhals: Coincidence, I think not. July 2009
7 comments

3

Two Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Fighting That I Found On the Internet October 2009
1 comment

4

Unicorns and Pandas: Friends or Foes? April 2010
2 comments

5

Two More Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Fighting That I Found on the Internet December 2009

Dinosaurs and Unicorns: An Unlikely Pair?

Nope.

Happy One Year Anniversary!

July 9th was the official one year anniversary of the first post of the unicorn blog!
Since that time, we have had:

5,720 total views
103 posts
106 comments
10 published authors

The user with the most posts is myself closely followed by cococoaltrain.

The most popular post of all time is none other than “Unicorns and Narwhals: Coincidence, I Think Not” by cococoaltrain.

This is also a good time to announce that cococoaltrain will be the new acting editor while I go off and do fun college shit. Weoot!

Land of the Free

Unipedia: Jessica Spaulding

Jessica Rae Spaulding (born January 30th, 1992) is a rebel militia leader of the Unicorn Protectors, based in South Xanartium.

In 2005, Spaulding joined the Unicorn Protectors to pad out her resume for college. While not originally planning on staying enrolled past the first three meetings, she later found herself so enthralled with the organization that she was compelled to stay on. Through hard work and determination, Spaulding became a local leader in the Unicorn Protectors. During her time as the local leader for her hometown, more people joined her branch than any other town that year, which caught the eye of higher management.

In 2006, Spaulding was asked to become the moral leader for the Unicorn Militia, a job that she was more than willing to do. In a time of severe desertion rates in the Unicorn Militia, Spaulding was not only able to reverse the trend but also cause an increase in enlistment rates. By the end of 2006, Spaulding was asked to become the General of the Militia. She was actively involved in the Battle for Old Goldford and the Battle of Ossicberry Valley, in the latter of which she fought alongside the newly reborn Unicorn Army.

Her whereabouts are currently unknown.

Ask A Unicorn Scholar

Dear Unicorn Scholar,
What would a unicorn do if mounted by a koala unexpectedly?
Love,
The Goss

Well Goss,
It would be highly unlikely that koala would ever mount a unicorn. 1) Koalas are not attracted to unicorns. 2) Koalas are probably asleep.
However, if a unicorn is mounted, it will go along with it because it believes in the free love movement. However, this has the unfortunate side-effect of making unicorns the most raped animal.

Two Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Behaving Amicably

We normally post pictures of unicorns and lions fighting here at MHHB, but today we thought we’d try something special: working out our differences.

Well paint me red and hang me on a barn door if that ain’t just the cutest darn’d thing you’ve ever seen. One thing I don’t like: the lion is bigger than the unicorn. This is both anatomically and spiritually incorrect. I will not accept this.

Now this is more like it. The unicorn – strong, regal, beautiful, elegant, handsome, glorious. The lion – kinda gay.

Well, that it for us getting along. Now it’s back to hating lions with full force.

Dragon Hunter Tales: King Alfonso’s Dragon Decorating Tips

Let me tell you a little bit about my lair. It’s cozy, with nice marble floors and good lighting once you get enough torches. It’s tough to get decent contracting work in Gogolthorp, what with it being filled with evil and such, but when you spend most of your time on a throne of golden skulls you can kind of inspire fear into the hearts of even the most terrifying beasts.

Let me tell you something I don’t like: unicorns. It’s nothing personal, but their magical hooves leave marks on my beautiful marble floors. Do you understand how much money I’ve spent on those marble floors? More gold than you’ll ever see out of a dragon’s lair, that’s for sure. One has to have proper flooring in their lair. It’s not a matter of vanity, per se, but it is a matter of practicality. You must have something that will withstand the immense pressure of a titanic pile of gold. Plus, as much as I hate to admit it, dragons are a little on the heavy side as well.

The walls I am not as worried about. It is simply the rock of the mountain, the mountain of Mooshawoosha to be specific, in case you want to look it up on Google Maps. Although I do not suggest you visit: to even get into my lair you must pass through the Path of Ghosts, which is kind of a bitch, but you get used to it. Every Friday me and the ghosts play cards and drink hard whisky. I feel like I can trust them because they have no need to steal my gold. Instead, we barter souls. For every game they win, I have to send out a press release taunting the latest slew of dragon hunters. Most of them never make it past the Path of Ghosts, and instead join their legions forever. It’s a win-win. I already have an in-house public relations team and I might as well put them to use. Plus, I get new drinking buddies.

Let me tell you a little something about my throne of golden skulls. They are all real skulls of dragon hunters that I have ruthlessly murdered. Don’t worry – I don’t go to the Skull Shop and buy plastic ones. If you try to coat those in molten hot gold, they melt and just make a mess. We only use genuine bone in this lair. The process for coating them in gold is simple. First, I melt away the flesh of my enemies through fire. Then I take their charred bones and dip them in molten gold. It’s not that difficult. In fact, it’s harder trying to put up a new torch-holder on the walls than it is to make a new golden skull. Although the Human Rights Activists do get up in my face about it quite often.