Hunting the Unicorn

Matt asks: “Is there a unicorn hunting season?”
Here is an answer, and much more!

The Unicorn is a tricky fucker who is hard to find at the best of times. There is no real season for hunting them, since they do not partake in such festivities as hibernation or migration. Generally, if you site a unicorn, where the siting takes place is their home habitat and where they can be found again (unless they are from The Rainbow Redoubt, which they would return to and not come again to the spot you saw them).

You're out of luck if you think finding a unicorn would be this easy.

There are several things that can ease you in hunting a unicorn. If you are able to tell the gender of the unicorn, urine from the opposite sex would attract them (unless they are homosexual, which some unicorns are, but they all aren’t as contrary to popular belief they are. Just because something is beautiful and mingles with fairies and other whimsical woodland creatures doesn’t make it gay. I mean, lumberjacks do that kind of and I don’t think they’re all gay. I don’t know though, maybe there is some code of homosexuality that all lumberjacks follow, but unicorns follow no such code.) Those cat wands with feather on them that felines love to play with attract unicorns. Sometimes if they are feeling playful they might run up to you if you are dangling one in an open clearing. They might even roll on their back and knock at it jokingly with their hooves! The smell of lavender tickles their nose, so if you have a faint scent of it drifting about you it would increase your chances of a unicorn encounter by ten fold. There are other tricks of the trade I could tell you, but I think it’s important for people to look in the lore and hear it in the whispers of the wind. The true magic of unicorn hunting comes from the journey of finding your own techniques and the adventures you have along the way. In the words of Hannah Montana, “It’s all about the climb.”

There is an extremely important part of unicorn hunting: The fair maiden.

A pure maiden who has tamed a gentle unicorn.

Only a maiden as pure as the depicted can tame such a noble beast as the unicorn. There is no text book way of grading how pure a maiden is, it’s found in her heart and mind and judged only by the unicorn she seeks to control. The actually act of taming such a mighty beast can be off-putting, and if you attempt to without being ‘white’ (I use this in terms of purity, not as a preference in skin color. Or who knows, I’ve never seen a black woman on a unicorn) it will undoubtedly result in a painful death of being impaled by the unicorn’s horn, several times. The proper approach for presenting oneself to a unicorn can be seen here:

Please don’t “hunt” unicorns either. It is frowned upon to kill them. Taming and releasing is fine though. Bestiality is also frowned upon

Happy “Hunting”!