Ask A Unicorn Scholar

hey, i got a question for the unicorn scholar.
WHAT IS ON A UNICORN’S WISHLIST FOR XMAS AND BIRTHDAYS?

- Joan of Arc

Dear Joan of Arc:

1) Energy efficient lighting.

2) A van.

3) VHS editing equipment.

4) Interns.

5) Money.

Love,

The Unicorn Scholar

unicorns are actually made of paper

There has been a new scientific discovery involving the materials of which unicorns are made. Formerly thought to be made of glitter, rainbow juice, and a fleshy substance somewhat resembling flesh (i.e. sponges), unicorns have for centuries been hiding the truth from  us. And the truth of it is, unicorns are made of paper.
This, Strawberry Jam, is possibly why it is so easy to make a baby unicorn. A request is sent to God, God gets his origami instruction manual, and BAMMO! He folds a jillion folds and, after almost a nanosecond, creates the perfect unicorn from pure, extra virgin vanilla paper. Yes, he does add glitter, and yes, occasionally the origami unicorn is infused with rainbow juice, but scientists were in fact able to disprove the theory of sponges making up the majority of the unicorn’s bodily content.

Need Goddy instructions for making your very own–though inanimate, as you are not God (if this surprises you, please see the nearest greengrocer)–unicorn? Come hither: Origami Unicorn Instruction Manual from God

Follow the link within the link to the video instructions. I haven’t watched it (blasphemy), but I’m sure it’s fantastic.

Inquire over a cup of tea with the academic unicorn

Today’s question:
“How do you define the sexual orientation of a unicorn? If a unicorn is a male does it have a penis? If it is a woman a vagina? Can they be attracted to the same sex? Can a human date a unicorn? So many unanswered questions….
Love the ever so curious,
Strawberry Jam”

Well Strawberry Jam, horses do reflect on the genitalia that unicorns have. So if you curiosity is truly ever so, feel free to go to your local veterinarian and ask about the sexual anatomy of a horse, but in your head just substitute horse with unicorn.

Now the interesting part about unicorns is how they do reproduce. They do not have sex to have babies. When two parent unicorns are ready to have a baby, they tell god and he sends one down on a rainbow. Since sex is not required for unicorns to reproduce, the gender matching does not matter. So two mothers, fathers or a mother and father can all have a baby. There is little discrimination in the unicorn world about sexuality. It’s considered okay to be with either sex, however in the human world there is a popular belief that all male unicorns are gay, which is unjustified and untrue. But they can be gay if they want to be.

It is frowned in both the human and unicorn world to date outside of your species. You can find soul mates in each other and spend the rest of your life as best friends, just not labeling.

Unanswered questions are meant to be asked, so feel free to ask anytime!

Loving and open armed,

Academic Unicorn

Ask A Unicorn Scholar

Dearest most intelligent Unicorn Scholar,
How do you define the sexual orientation of a unicorn? If a unicorn is a male does it have a penis? If it is a woman a vagina? Can they be attracted to the same sex? Can a human date a unicorn? So many unanswered questions….
Love the ever so curious,
Strawberry Jam

 

Dearest Strawberry Jam,

I’m not sure how old you are, but these kind of sexual questions assail us no matter how point in life. As we walk around this earth, we are attacked by a multitude of questions about our own sexuality, specifically our sexual preferences towards animals of a horned nature. I cannot tell you the path to follow, young condiment, but I can give you a word of advice: always check local bestiality laws.

You’re welcome,

The Unicorn Scholar

 

The Unicorn Code

The Unicorn Code:
1. Unicorns never cheat.
2. Unicorns always lend a helping hand.
3. Unicorns never talk to strangers.
4. Unicorns respect the earth.
5. Unicorns are never late.
6. Unicorns are not conceded.
7. Unicorns don’t judge people.
8. Unicorns always give 100%.
9. Unicorns graze on peace and love.
10. Unicorns don’t do drugs.

Unicorns: a combination of boy scouts, girl scouts, preschool teachers and seeing eye dogs. The positive values that the unicorn code emits are practically as powerful as the sun. We should power our cities with this energy. Similar to Monsters Inc. where they power their cities with the laughter of children. Although the screams of children also conduct power but not as much. Wow. I just realized how bad ass it was that they powered their city on the screams of children.

So I think there are a couple changes I would want on the code.
1) For it not to be a code but rather “The Unicorn Lifestyle”.
2) To add an 11th way of life that is to always look your best.
3) A right to bear arms and use them.
4) Ability to harvest the screams of children into green energy.
5) Right and access to anyone you want for sexual purposes. No grandma will be safe from me.

Obey The Unicorn Lifestyle. The unicorn world is the only world. Deal with it. In the immortal words of The Beatles… Nothing’s going to change my world.