Unipedia: Jessica Spaulding

Jessica Rae Spaulding (born January 30th, 1992) is a rebel militia leader of the Unicorn Protectors, based in South Xanartium.

In 2005, Spaulding joined the Unicorn Protectors to pad out her resume for college. While not originally planning on staying enrolled past the first three meetings, she later found herself so enthralled with the organization that she was compelled to stay on. Through hard work and determination, Spaulding became a local leader in the Unicorn Protectors. During her time as the local leader for her hometown, more people joined her branch than any other town that year, which caught the eye of higher management.

In 2006, Spaulding was asked to become the moral leader for the Unicorn Militia, a job that she was more than willing to do. In a time of severe desertion rates in the Unicorn Militia, Spaulding was not only able to reverse the trend but also cause an increase in enlistment rates. By the end of 2006, Spaulding was asked to become the General of the Militia. She was actively involved in the Battle for Old Goldford and the Battle of Ossicberry Valley, in the latter of which she fought alongside the newly reborn Unicorn Army.

Her whereabouts are currently unknown.

Unicorn Diary: Escape From The Sea

Tabitha was a unicorn of high-class. She had well-groomed white hair and regal brown eyes. She wore a cloak that was weaved by forest nymphs and wore a crown crafted out of the roots of the world tree, Yggdrasil. She was the envy among her peers and was said to be a messiah sent down by the gods to procreate happiness. She had no father or mother because legend goes that she was brought to Earth through the single most beautiful ray of light ever to touch the ground. Her horn was a tantalizing shad of pastel gray.

One day the lead sorceress unicorn wanted to rake revenge upon young Tabitha. She wished to do this for Tabitha was very lovely and the lead sorceress’ daughter was uglier than Tabitha. The daughter wasn’t ugly, just not up to par. Tabitha’s boyfriend knew that the sorceress would try to kill her, so he sent her out to live in the forest for a few year.

After many moons of waiting, Tabitha returned to her kingdom, only to find that it had been drunken by the ocean. This was odd because Tabitha never remembered an ocean near her kingdom. “Whatever.” she spoke aloud. Her boyfriend was standing near the water’s edge and she went over to join him. He was looking out into the blue horizon.

“The sorceress has taken the city underwater,” he spoke without looking at her, “your people have all be cursed and may not return to the land, for if they do they shall die.”

Hearing this Tabitha broke down and started to weep. “Oh! why my loyal people! Why must such a befitted fate be wove into the quilts that are so kindly draped upon my people as we peruse to them aloud a bed time story while they anxiously sip their sips of water from the cup that has been provided to aid them from the path of dehydration! Oh the shame and passion of such events!” Her voice sang these words as tears of sensitivity poured down her hairy cheeks.

“It is not too late, your people still retain their original form. We can still save them.” He took her hoof in his and they watch the sun set over the ocean.

After the main shock, Tabitha was ready to fight. She strapped an automatic machine gun to her back and her boy friend wielder an underwater spear gun. They were ready to fuck shit up. Tabitha whispered a charm to allow them to sustain breathing underwater, and they were off.

Under the waves the city glowed an eerie glow of light that make Tabitha and co. feel apprehensive.  When they arrived at the city gates a crowd of citizens swooned around Tabitha. Her boyfriend felt very jealous of all this attention and swam away momentarily.

“Oh princess! Save us, we beg of you! We have been put to work farming oil from the deep pockets of the ocean! We are like the Asian dry cleaners in New York City, we do our work only to save ourselves and our families while slowly dying inside, only finding the strength to go on through the small hope that our people will one day rise against those of which command! Please make this the day at which we shall command!” Shouted the crowd vigorously in perfect unison.

Tabitha began to weep tears of joy, her people still loved her. The tears. however, were quickly confiscated by the surrounding water. “I shall do my best.” she said in a loud battle cry.

Tabitha and her boyfriend, now her husband and father of her unborn child, were at the door to the sorceress’ chamber. They quickly barged in. “What is this?!” the sorceress screamed.

“This,” Tabitha began, “is the day you will die.”  With that Tabitha began to rocket machine gun rounds at the sorceress. She was a battle princess. Tabitha’s husband and father of her unborn child hit the sorceress in the heart with his spears. The water around them turned red with their new-found freedom.

The unicorns escaped to the surface and began to rebuild their city that they left at the bottom of the ocean. Tabitha had her baby and she named it Lucifer, after the devil.

“Remember this day!” She screamed to her people. “Remember it! For this is the day that we are a people, and not slaves!”

THE END

What I want in the Lost Series Finale

Now if you’re a Lost fan then you’ll be watching the series finale tonight (including the recap, even though you’ve already seen every episode.) Now we all know that the purpose of the canidate is to become the keeper of the island and to protect the light at its heart. I’m sure many of us have our own theory as to what is at the source of the light. Logically we would believe it is a very rare electromagnetic field, but we ask ourselves what causes this? I believe it is a magical unicorn. Only a unicorn could harness such purity, such light, such magic. Would Jacob have sacrifised his life to protect anything else? I think not.

Ultra Shirt, a Must Buy

This is the Three Keyboard Wolves t-shirt (featuring E.T. and a unicorn). This is the ultimate in shirt.

Three Keyboard Wolves

This shirt is a follow-up of the The Mountain Three Wolf Moon (http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Wolf-Short-Sleeve/dp/B002HJ377A). If you’ve never heard of the Three Wolves shirt I suggest you do a little reading and learn about its magical properties, but this one is much better. It has a unicorn. I already order mine but I’ll give you the link so you can too.

Product site:

http://www.turtlehead.ie/stuffformen/men_enlarged.php?id=72&sex=Male

Ask A Unicorn Scholar

Dear Unicorn Scholar,
What would a unicorn do if mounted by a koala unexpectedly?
Love,
The Goss

Well Goss,
It would be highly unlikely that koala would ever mount a unicorn. 1) Koalas are not attracted to unicorns. 2) Koalas are probably asleep.
However, if a unicorn is mounted, it will go along with it because it believes in the free love movement. However, this has the unfortunate side-effect of making unicorns the most raped animal.

Rhino and Unicorns, Related

Unicorns have horns. This is really obvious and everyone knows it. What most people fail to relate this to is rhinos. Rhinos also have horns, which sparked a question in my mind: are rhinos related to unicorns?

Short answer- Yes.

Long answer- Rhinos are from Africa. When the earth was Pangaea and the unicorns had first turned themselves into narwhals they sought a counter charm because the ocean was boring. They finally found one but it turned most of them of them into these large bulky creatures we call rhinos. When they were transformed they lost all their powers and their memories. Some argue that they still have their powers but they forgot how to use them. So if one of these rhinos remembered its potential as a unicorn it could use its white magic again.

Craig Ferguson’s Unicorn

You gotta love Craig Ferguson. He is one crazy dude. (P.S. Thanks dad)

Stonehenge: The Meeting Place

The meaning of Stonehenge has been baffling mankind for ages. The answer has arisen though, it is the meeting place for the unicorns. Who knows when they will come, but they will. I’m probably going to move to Stonehenge when I’m older so I can be ready for it. I’ll probably have to do it illegally.

One day.

Ke$ha Believes she was a narwhal in a past life

1) I think I know what I’m going to be for Halloween.

2) It was hard to find a picture of Ke$ha where it wasn’t completely obvious she just snorted a large mound of crack (I like a challenge).

3) On a radio program Ke$ha, an infamous singer/songwriter, was talking about her religious believes. I was interested so I listened. She talked about how she believed in reincarnation. She thought she was a “dude” in a past life because she walks like a guy. She thought she was a dog.

Dinosaur.

Frog.

Narwhal. “Wait, what?” I thought. She explained that narwhals are the unicorns of the sea and how they are magical and awesome. I promptly download 1,000,000 copies of a song of her’s that I don’t know the name of. She is so SPOT ON. FINALLY a celebrity that understands narwhals, and not to mention unicorns. Seriously, how cool. Her mom and dad must be proud of her. Too bad they disowned her five years ago. All she has are the photographs to remember them by… that’s all she has….

I can see it.

Two Pictures of Unicorns and Lions Behaving Amicably

We normally post pictures of unicorns and lions fighting here at MHHB, but today we thought we’d try something special: working out our differences.

Well paint me red and hang me on a barn door if that ain’t just the cutest darn’d thing you’ve ever seen. One thing I don’t like: the lion is bigger than the unicorn. This is both anatomically and spiritually incorrect. I will not accept this.

Now this is more like it. The unicorn – strong, regal, beautiful, elegant, handsome, glorious. The lion – kinda gay.

Well, that it for us getting along. Now it’s back to hating lions with full force.