Dragon Hunter Tales: I AM A DRAGON HUNTER!

I am a dragon hunter! I hunt dragons! Dragons fear me and my unicorn of power!

This is a story about the dragon I hunted down last Thursday! I rode to Gogolthorp, Land of Evil Beings, on my unicorn of power (named Frank). Something you should know about my unicorn of power is that it hurts evil beings. Usually unicorns are peaceful creatures, but not my unicorn of power. It is willing to hunt dragons with me. I am a lucky man.

We rode up the mountain of Mooshawoosha and into the Cave of Darkness and Emotional Devastation. On the walls were pictures of the dragon hunters that came before me. They were painted with blood! But I was not afraid, and neither was my unicorn of power. We are not scaredy-cats like that jackass Rob. We are DRAGON HUNTERS!

Frank’s horn turned into The Torch of Truth and we used to see our way down the Path of Ghosts. It is called that because ghosts will come out of the rock and try to attack you by running their hands through your heart and soul and bringing up memories of those you have loved who have since passed on. It’s a dick move on their part, but I was lucky. Just days ago I had been given the Vest of Bear Fur, which is so thick that even the metaphysical ghosts cannot pass their hands through it.

Frank was not as lucky. Unicorns are especially vulnerable to ghost attacks because they wear their hearts on their sleeves. I had to whisper to him that those deaths were not his fault, and that they know in the Land Beyond that he loved them every much. He cried a little, but I tried to ignore that.

Finally, we arrived at the Underground Room of Immeasurable Treasure, where the evil dragon lived. His name was King Alfonso the Thirty-Third, King of All Dragons of the Land of Gogolthorp, the Place where Evil Beings Make Their Homes. But instead of calling him by his proper name, I called him a big fat scaly son of a bitch with a small penis. Oh boy, did that make him angry.

He got down from his throne of golden skulls and grabbed his Sword of Immeasurable Power. Unfortunately for him, I had the Mace of Portals. Every swing he took at me, my mace created a portal and he accidentally struck another dragon through the portal. He nearly took out of all of the United Dragons for Global Destruction!  He finally gave up, and pretended to disarm. Secretly, he was waiting to burn me.

This is when I took out my secret weapon. I pulled out the Lance of Dragon Blood, a weapon made entirely of frozen dragon blood. As we all know, a dragon can be instantly killed when coming in contact with the frozen remains of another dragon. King Alfonso was struck down, and bled all over his throne of golden skulls. It was gross.

Frank and I took all of the gold we could carry, and held Alfonso’s disembodied head up high to ward off the ghosts. We had to fight an entire army of Evil Beings to get out of Gogolthorp, but by the time we made it back to Buttawoosaw it was all worth it. They gave us a hero’s parade and my mom baked me brownies to celebrate.

DRAGON HUNTER OUT!

This is a map I drew to help other dragon hunters!

Unicorn Blood: Miracle cure or Death Potion?

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE HAS BLOOD

“Unicorn blood should be good.” you would think. It would give you super powers and you could do things. Unimaginable things. But the question is: is it a miracle cure or death potion? In Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone unicorn blood allows you to live longer but your life will be cursed. This sounds like a mirath curtion, which would be a combination of death potion and miracle cure. It makes sense that it would be deadly for human lips though, something so pure, I don’t think I could handle it! You would have to be a pure blood virgin to even stand a chance, but chances are the unicorn might just eat you if you’re a pure blood virgin (only if it’s a classic!). There is also the fact of HOW you would get the blood. You might have to kill it, or maybe the unicorn would sacrifice some of its life elixir to help save/kill you depending on if you’re a friend/foe and also depending on if it’s a miracle cure/death potion.

So the answer for this one is… I’m too scared to try to drink unicorn blood. If you’re going to try to drink unicorn blood tell me in advance. If I ever hear from you again, then it’s safe, if not, well…

Go unicorn! Go!

Unicorns and Pandas: Friends or Foes?

A complicated question that has plagued unicorn scientists for ages is the old question: are unicorns and pandas friends, or are they foes? I myself cannot answer this question, though I do have some theories.

1) Unicorns and pandas must be friends because unicorns are naturally every animal’s friend (unless you are a lion).

2) Unicorns and pandas are foes because unicorns have a natural need to refuel their magical powers with the blood of Asian mammals.

3) Unicorns and pandas are foes because pandas are naturally aggressive towards all other creatures (except the red panda).

I hope that my theories have helped to expand your ideas on the nature of this relationship of nature. That is all for right now.

Unicorns And Lunar Patterns

Unicorns depend on lunar patterns. Just like the tides. Sometimes they’re up. Sometimes they’re down.

This is important to know because you should know if a unicorn is going to be hostile or friendly. On a full moon a unicorn is at its peek of friendliness, and as the lunar cycle goes on we arrive at the new moon, when the unicorn is at its meanest. So it’s smart to do your unicorn hunting when the moon is out and bright. There is a chance this is because unicorns depend on light energy and solar radiation (maybe unicorns really ARE part plant?). Below are a few simple charts to help you remember which time is good and which time is bad. I suggest you print them out and keep them on you at ALL TIMES.

When unicorns are friendly: the full moon.

When unicorns are hostile: the new moon.

Canned Unicorn Meat

Tell me – what do you enjoy most in life? Is it your loved ones? Is it money? Is it music? Is it acting? Is it Jesus?

Is it Canned Unicorn Meat?

I bet it is.

Canned Unicorn Meat – because nothing can beat it.

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