Once upon a time, there was a dead bug. And this dead bug’s name was Harold the Dead Bug. One day, Harold was lying dead on the windshield of a boring red Subaru when he heard an idiot calling herself an idiot, followed by the unmistakable sounds of someone tearing their ears out and gargling. Or perhaps this noise was heard incorrectly by Harold. Being dead, he could never be absolutely sure of what he was hearing. Identification is difficult when you are flat. And a dead bug.
“Hell?” said Harold the dead bug.
“Don’t you mean ‘hello’?” said a voice nearby.
“SPEECH IS DIFFICULT WHEN YOU’RE A DEAD BARG!” Harold roared angrily from the windshield, making a feeble attempt to appear more impressive by gathering up his innards from the splattered mess around him.
“You mean a dead bug,” said the voice.
“NO I BLOODY WELL DO NOT!” said Harold heatedly.
Harold fumed in silence for a few seconds as scraping noises emanated from his left, possibly the side of the car—he couldn’t tell, as vision is often difficult when you are a dead bug. But you are not a dead bug. Harold is. Don’t be a dimwit.
The voice from what might have been the side of the car swore loudly, and there were more scraping sounds. It irked Harold quite a bit.
“SHADDUP!” he shouted. “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M TRYING TO RETAIN MY DIGNITY HERE?!?”
“I’m sorry,” said the voice. “It’s just that I have locked myself out of my car.”
“I hate you,” said Harold.
“I’m sorry,” repeated the voice. “But you know, there’s not a lot I can do about it.”
“And I suppose it’s not your fault that I’m squashed against your car?” demanded Harold the Dead Bug.
“Well, no. Because you flew into it. Not my fault.”
“Bugger. I hate you and your stupid reasoning.”
The voice continued to mutter and scrape, and Harold now knew that the person was attempting to break into her car. With what, Harold did not know, but he suspected watermelon seeds, from the sound of it. Or perhaps he was hearing this incorrectly. It is very difficult to identify noises when you are a dead bug.
“Listen,” Harold said. “If you turn me into a unicorn, then I will unlock your car for you. And I will consider in all seriousness not injuring you afterward. And taking your liver. And gnawing on your legs. And bashing your head against some rocks. And such. What say you?”
“My deepest apologies, Mr. Dead Bug,” said the voice. “I just don’t think I can turn you into a unicorn. I don’t think it’s possible.”
“Bugger,” said Harold the Dead Bug. And then he remembered that he was dead, and fell silent, never to speak again. Because, you know, dead bugs do not speak. And in all likelihood, the living bugs do not speak either. This, however, has never been proven.
The end.
Archive for July, 2009
Harold the Dead Bug
Everyone remembers She-Ra, right? The princess of power, twin sister of He-Man? Well apparently she has a flying horse, Swift Wind, that has wings and could fly. So nothing is quite wrong with this, until I found something strange. She was also a unicorn!
This brought up many questions in my mind: Is there such thing as a pegasus/unicorn? I checked my mythical lores (wikipedia) and I saw no mention of such a breed. I then began to question She-Ra: was the show not based on actual events of a warrior princess? I shook my head at this idea, of course the events in She-Ra were real.
I then thought something, what if a unicorn got freaky with a pegasus? Would it have the same properties as a mule? But with a little more research I discovered Swift Wind did in fact have a mate, Star Wind, and they had a child.
The only conclusion that I have is that Swift Wind had a fake horn because she was jealous of the unicorns, or that some sort of miracle took place.
#2573 – Unsolved Mystery
Who knows... who knows...
The Sea Battle
Twenty months ago,
when I was out at sea,
I saw a sight most interesting.
I saw an animal so free.
It was a unicorn,
a unicorn I swear!
It was a stunning sight
for my men, worse for wear.
She was flying and gliding
above the pale water.
An animal so beautiful,
only a beast could dare slaughter.
But then a horrible horn
broke the still ocean.
The unicorn’s only enemy
was here to make a commotion.
It was a narwhal,
a narwhal I swear!
Many men covered their eyes,
for it was too much to bare.
They clashed,
and they tumbled,
fighting ever most violently
and making quite a rumble.
They rolled around for hours
out on the open sea.
What they were fighting for, nobody knows,
but neither could flee.
Finally, the unicorn raised her hoof,
and broke the narwhal’s horn
clean in half. The Earth shook,
I could have sworn.
The narwhal sank, a broken creature,
and the Unicorn flew away.
As we watched her horn glitter in the moonlight,
we knew that goodness had lived for another day.
Unicorn movie 2
So as you might know, I’m making a unicorn movie. Here is the current cast list.
Dad (Tom) – N/A
Mom (Susan) – Hopefully Sophia
Little girl (Isabelle) – N/A
The White Unicorn – Hopefully Adam
If you would like to apply for a spot, simply comment this post.
That is all for now.
“… and then Little Princess and I took an amazing ride through the sky.”
“You’re so full of crap, Roberto!” Donna Doubter shouted at him. “I’m so sick and tired of your fantasies! Go get a hobby, like gardening or basketball.”
As his friends walked away, Roberto watched with sadness. “Good riddance,” he screamed. “I don’t want unbelieving friends anyhow!”
“Come on, Horse Wheels. Let’s blow this crack joint.”
Roberto wheeled through the forest, glancing at the dew drops on the wilted leaves and the bats hanging on dead branches.
With a flash and the sound of apples exploding, Destructicorn burst through the trees. The grass around him was burnt to a crisp, and his nostrils were steaming.
But Roberto was unafraid. “You’re nothing but a bully!”
Destructicorn cackled like an elephant. “I may be a bully, but you are nothing but a pawn in my chess game of life!”
Destructicorn took Roberto away, and Little Princess was nowhere to be found.
The Truth About Unicorns
Fact: Unicorns are always elegant and beautiful.
Ode to Unicorn Steaks
That darn unicorn
with its darn horn
so spiky
and bloody
because unicorns
are really not gentle.
I’ma gonna kill that there unicorn.
and sell its pelt
and glue its horn
to my forehead.
And then I can call myself
Wilburta
because all unicorns
and named Wilburta
by law
or some other mystical,
magical
name.
For instance, I once knew a unicorn
named Rainbow
and I killed it
and made steak for my family
and they ate it
and I didn’t bother telling them
what kind of steak it was.
Unicorns
are sparkly
and I harbor a deep anger
toward sparkly things.
Like sequin dresses
and potatoes
but only when
the potatoes
have been sprinkled with fairy dust.
Darn those unicorns.
Where the devil are my slippers?
Unicorn movie
So I was sitting in my manner, pondering upon how I could visually express my love for unicorns, when it hit me: a unicorn movie.
I figure if all of us band together we could make a low budget movie showing our love, knowledge, preservation, and creativity towards unicorns. I’m so excited and confident in this idea that I’ve already started writing the script for this whimsical tale of magic.
Oh my goodness, it’s uni-rific.
But for now here is a drawing I made with my own two hands.
Loosely based on one of the lead characters.
What’s with the horn?
How great was this! Uni Corn had been accepted into Throughbred Academy for this school year. It was such an honor as only the best of the best were accepted to enter the best school in the country for jumping and running. From here, many had gone onto the Kentucky Derby!
As Uni signed in at registration, she saw others staring at her. Yet her excitement was more on her mind than others. She continues to her dorm room. Cool! A place to store hay and a great water cooler! What more could she ask for! Down the hall was a grooming station with people on call 24/7. Oh yeah, this is a great school!
Shortly, Uni’s roommate arrived. She was gorgeous! A long curly mane, braided tail, a real throughbred! Uni nozzled her as a way of introduction. Yet this new horse, showing no interest what-so-ever, turns her head to the side. Uni now begins to wonder about the stares and the rude behavior of her roommate. What could it be?
For the next few days, similar things happen in the dining hall, classes, and dorm. Finally, Uni asks her roomie what is up.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “Haven’t you noticed that you are the only filly with a HORN!”
Uni was crushed. Could people really being judging her by her horn?!
Determined to prove all the others wrong, Uni jumped and ran like crazy. Each night she cleaned her horn so it would glow. When the others stared, she simply stared back. Soon they started to turn away as she approached.
Then one day, she decided to confront one of the coolest fillys during lunch.
“What is your problem with my horn?” Uni shouted.
“How dare you speak to me! Shoo! Be gone!”
“Not this time! I have every right to be here! I can jump and run with the best of you! You are simply snobs!”
The first filly just continued chewing her hay, but the others were listening too. Each day for a week, Uni noticed more and more of the horses nodding at her as she passed. Maybe standing up for herself was right! She started holding her head higher and pranced to classes.
Shock of shocks, on the next Sunday, as Uni entered the barn for lunch, the cool filly appraoched her.
“I guess the others are right. Having a horn doesn’t make you wierd. Maybe we can go to practice together today.”
From then on, Uni never let others judge her by her horn. It just made her special!
“Wow, Little Princess. That was an amazing trip through the heavens. But where are we now?”
“We are in my home in the clouds.”
“Well it’s absolutely beautiful.”
“Thanks, Roberto.”
“Look, Roberto, I have something I need to tell you.”
“You’re an incredibly special person, Roberto. You are about to undertake a metamorphosis that will leave you as an entirely different being.”
“Will it be scary?”
Little Princess stared off into the stars. “I don’t know, Roberto. This is the first time I’ve ever had to deal with this sort of thing. All I know is that you need to be in good hands during your transformation.” They sat together in silence, contemplating the conversation.
“Come, Roberto. Your parents are probably worrying.”
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