09
Jul
11

Hunting the Unicorn

Matt asks: “Is there a unicorn hunting season?”
Here is an answer, and much more!

The Unicorn is a tricky fucker who is hard to find at the best of times. There is no real season for hunting them, since they do not partake in such festivities as hibernation or migration. Generally, if you site a unicorn, where the siting takes place is their home habitat and where they can be found again (unless they are from The Rainbow Redoubt, which they would return to and not come again to the spot you saw them).

You're out of luck if you think finding a unicorn would be this easy.

There are several things that can ease you in hunting a unicorn. If you are able to tell the gender of the unicorn, urine from the opposite sex would attract them (unless they are homosexual, which some unicorns are, but they all aren’t as contrary to popular belief they are. Just because something is beautiful and mingles with fairies and other whimsical woodland creatures doesn’t make it gay. I mean, lumberjacks do that kind of and I don’t think they’re all gay. I don’t know though, maybe there is some code of homosexuality that all lumberjacks follow, but unicorns follow no such code.) Those cat wands with feather on them that felines love to play with attract unicorns. Sometimes if they are feeling playful they might run up to you if you are dangling one in an open clearing. They might even roll on their back and knock at it jokingly with their hooves! The smell of lavender tickles their nose, so if you have a faint scent of it drifting about you it would increase your chances of a unicorn encounter by ten fold. There are other tricks of the trade I could tell you, but I think it’s important for people to look in the lore and hear it in the whispers of the wind. The true magic of unicorn hunting comes from the journey of finding your own techniques and the adventures you have along the way. In the words of Hannah Montana, “It’s all about the climb.”

There is an extremely important part of unicorn hunting: The fair maiden.

A pure maiden who has tamed a gentle unicorn.


Only a maiden as pure as the depicted can tame such a noble beast as the unicorn. There is no text book way of grading how pure a maiden is, it’s found in her heart and mind and judged only by the unicorn she seeks to control. The actually act of taming such a mighty beast can be off-putting, and if you attempt to without being ‘white’ (I use this in terms of purity, not as a preference in skin color. Or who knows, I’ve never seen a black woman on a unicorn) it will undoubtedly result in a painful death of being impaled by the unicorn’s horn, several times. The proper approach for presenting oneself to a unicorn can be seen here:

Please don’t “hunt” unicorns either. It is frowned upon to kill them. Taming and releasing is fine though. Bestiality is also frowned upon

Happy “Hunting”!

07
Jun
11

Pro-Unicorn Student Promotes Unicorn Awareness in Rural High School

Kiwi and her "rainbow unicorn army"

Kiwi Knit-Wit*, a high school student with a big heart and an even bigger talent in crafts, recently set to folding an army of origami unicorns. By handing these accurate representations of our uni-horned comrades to various students and educators, Knit-Wit was able to begin a pro-unicorn/anti-racism commentary at her rural high school in the deciduous wastelands of the North-Eastern United States.

She used many different colors of paper in her craft in order to show that all unicorns are different; they should not be stereotyped or discriminated against for their differences any more than people should. “[I am] going to make a rainbow army of origami unicorns:)” She wrote on her Facebook page the night before the completion of the project, and many hours of hard folding later, she is stunned by the results of her seemingly endless struggle. People at her school, namely the educators, are finally coming around and realizing the errors of society today. Kiwi’s color symbolism has shined a light on the repercussions of racism as well as the seriousness of mocking creatures that could dominate our feeble species in a heartbeat.

Her efforts have also pulled other believers like Kiwi out of the woodwork, and has bonded them together in a legion of friends to serve under the rainbow unicorn army int he march toward Total Unicorn Awareness. “In the middle of a unicorn friendship frenzy!!!” She exclaimed happily, also on her Facebook page. Little Kiwi Knit-Wit, once a lone believer, revels in the friends her army has made for her, not only among the human community in the surrounding area, but in the unicorn community as well. Unicorns from across New England have been sending letters to the girl, thanking her for her effort to relieve the harsh discrimination they face on a daily basis. They know that this is the first step to equality, and I, on behalf of the UniBlog, could not agree more.

*name changed to preserve privacy.

09
Jan
11

Ask A Unicorn Scholar

hey, i got a question for the unicorn scholar.
WHAT IS ON A UNICORN’S WISHLIST FOR XMAS AND BIRTHDAYS?

- Joan of Arc

Dear Joan of Arc:

1) Energy efficient lighting.

2) A van.

3) VHS editing equipment.

4) Interns.

5) Money.

Love,

The Unicorn Scholar

09
Jan
11

unicorns are actually made of paper

There has been a new scientific discovery involving the materials of which unicorns are made. Formerly thought to be made of glitter, rainbow juice, and a fleshy substance somewhat resembling flesh (i.e. sponges), unicorns have for centuries been hiding the truth from  us. And the truth of it is, unicorns are made of paper.
This, Strawberry Jam, is possibly why it is so easy to make a baby unicorn. A request is sent to God, God gets his origami instruction manual, and BAMMO! He folds a jillion folds and, after almost a nanosecond, creates the perfect unicorn from pure, extra virgin vanilla paper. Yes, he does add glitter, and yes, occasionally the origami unicorn is infused with rainbow juice, but scientists were in fact able to disprove the theory of sponges making up the majority of the unicorn’s bodily content.

Need Goddy instructions for making your very own–though inanimate, as you are not God (if this surprises you, please see the nearest greengrocer)–unicorn? Come hither: Origami Unicorn Instruction Manual from God

Follow the link within the link to the video instructions. I haven’t watched it (blasphemy), but I’m sure it’s fantastic.

09
Jan
11

Inquire over a cup of tea with the academic unicorn

Today’s question:
“How do you define the sexual orientation of a unicorn? If a unicorn is a male does it have a penis? If it is a woman a vagina? Can they be attracted to the same sex? Can a human date a unicorn? So many unanswered questions….
Love the ever so curious,
Strawberry Jam”

Well Strawberry Jam, horses do reflect on the genitalia that unicorns have. So if you curiosity is truly ever so, feel free to go to your local veterinarian and ask about the sexual anatomy of a horse, but in your head just substitute horse with unicorn.

Now the interesting part about unicorns is how they do reproduce. They do not have sex to have babies. When two parent unicorns are ready to have a baby, they tell god and he sends one down on a rainbow. Since sex is not required for unicorns to reproduce, the gender matching does not matter. So two mothers, fathers or a mother and father can all have a baby. There is little discrimination in the unicorn world about sexuality. It’s considered okay to be with either sex, however in the human world there is a popular belief that all male unicorns are gay, which is unjustified and untrue. But they can be gay if they want to be.

It is frowned in both the human and unicorn world to date outside of your species. You can find soul mates in each other and spend the rest of your life as best friends, just not labeling.

Unanswered questions are meant to be asked, so feel free to ask anytime!

Loving and open armed,

Academic Unicorn

09
Jan
11

Ask A Unicorn Scholar

Dearest most intelligent Unicorn Scholar,
How do you define the sexual orientation of a unicorn? If a unicorn is a male does it have a penis? If it is a woman a vagina? Can they be attracted to the same sex? Can a human date a unicorn? So many unanswered questions….
Love the ever so curious,
Strawberry Jam

 

Dearest Strawberry Jam,

I’m not sure how old you are, but these kind of sexual questions assail us no matter how point in life. As we walk around this earth, we are attacked by a multitude of questions about our own sexuality, specifically our sexual preferences towards animals of a horned nature. I cannot tell you the path to follow, young condiment, but I can give you a word of advice: always check local bestiality laws.

You’re welcome,

The Unicorn Scholar

 

09
Jan
11

The Unicorn Code

The Unicorn Code:
1. Unicorns never cheat.
2. Unicorns always lend a helping hand.
3. Unicorns never talk to strangers.
4. Unicorns respect the earth.
5. Unicorns are never late.
6. Unicorns are not conceded.
7. Unicorns don’t judge people.
8. Unicorns always give 100%.
9. Unicorns graze on peace and love.
10. Unicorns don’t do drugs.

Unicorns: a combination of boy scouts, girl scouts, preschool teachers and seeing eye dogs. The positive values that the unicorn code emits are practically as powerful as the sun. We should power our cities with this energy. Similar to Monsters Inc. where they power their cities with the laughter of children. Although the screams of children also conduct power but not as much. Wow. I just realized how bad ass it was that they powered their city on the screams of children.

So I think there are a couple changes I would want on the code.
1) For it not to be a code but rather “The Unicorn Lifestyle”.
2) To add an 11th way of life that is to always look your best.
3) A right to bear arms and use them.
4) Ability to harvest the screams of children into green energy.
5) Right and access to anyone you want for sexual purposes. No grandma will be safe from me.

Obey The Unicorn Lifestyle. The unicorn world is the only world. Deal with it. In the immortal words of The Beatles… Nothing’s going to change my world.




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